Dear Walker..

Today my heart hurts for you. Every year on spring break I have always taken ya'll hiking and it is always a wonderful time full of pictures and memories. This year you have decided not to come. I don't know why and I love you regardless but it breaks my heart. I have dreaded the day when I would have a family picture made without you since you quit wanting to come over here, tomorrow may be the day I face that fear. There is part of me that wants to leave the camera at home because I know that the memories we make tomorrow will have a painful touch but it would not be fair to your brother and sister who are so looking forward to the day. Please know I am not the only one who misses you, Abby was so excited today that you were supposed to come tonight. They have learned to be happy without you and for that I am glad but they miss you also. When you came by to see me tonight it broke my heart because I know you are so confused. I would beg you to stay or bribe you but I refuse to play the game that others are playing with you. I love you and no family picture will ever be complete without you in it my love. I love you and miss you everyday. Love, Mom

Dear Walker,

Oh how I miss you. I talk to you every single day but you never have much to say. You came and stayed with me once a week for a few weeks and I so enjoyed it. We laid in bed and talked and watched movies but it happened again as it alway's does, I got on to you for something little and i knew the instant it happened you wouldn't be back for awhile. I want you to know that I wish I could just let you come over here and never get on to you about a single thing but that my sweet boy would not be the right thing to do.

Quinten came home from school the other day and told me he fell on the playground but my favorite part of the story he told was the part where he told me you cried and picked him up and carried him in the school. I can remember being that way with my brother, goodness I couldn't stand him half of the time but oh how it crushed my soul to see him hurt. That shows that the amazing kind hearted loving boy is still there.

Here are a couple of random things about you...you never slept through the night not one single time till you were over a year old. I never thought it would happen! I was working every day and honestly wondered if I would ever sleep a whole night again myself. If your Dad would have let you sleep in the bed I am sure the problem would have been solved but oh well we lived. Random number two...everytime I gave you a bottle you would bite down and pull the nipple out causing milk to go everywhere unless I stayed right there and watched you. I don't know how many different types of bottles I bought trying to find one you wouldn't do that to but no such luck.

I love you Walker Wayne, you are perfect and I am so proud of you despite it all. I'll love you forever, i'll like you for always and as long as your living my baby you will be. Love, Momma

My Dearest Walker..

Oh baby how I miss you tender bigheartedness around me. On monday we went trick or treating, I was told by your dad that you didn't want to go this year but it only took one look at your face to know that was not the case. I have no idea what you go through baby but if I had to guess I would guess that you have a war in your mind very often. I asked you to go with us and I could see the look of genuine concern on your face but after I told you to ask and you came with us I could see joy. I so enjoyed having that night with you. You are so lovable and always have been. Walker I want you to always know that I love you to the depths of my soul and I wish life weren't so hard on you or your brother and sister.

On a happier note, I started this blog to tell you about things I wanted you to know from you childhood, well here is one small thing but it makes me smile everytime I think of it. When you were about 3 we were watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids..one or two I can't remember which. All of the sudden you got so excited and said there was a pawpaw spider on tv, it was a granddaddy long legs. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. You also thought it was so funny when people sneezed, I used to fake sneeze just to make you laugh.

I love you forever baby boy! Momma

I seen you tonight..

You were supposed to stay with me tonight but once again you didn't. I made you a chocolate cake for your birthday but we are eating it without you. I also cooked you shrimp because I knew you loved it. Someday's I hurt so bad when things like this happen but I love you and I want you to be happy.

Happy Birthday..

Happy Birthday my wonderful baby boy. My mind is so flooded with memories of ten years ago today and all of  the years since. I miss you and there will never be a day that it doesn't crush me that you no longer see me. I hope that you have a wonderful day.

In two more day's..

In two more day's you will be ten my sweet boy. Ten years old and you are already as big as me. You were so little when you were born, six pounds and fifteen ounces. I brought you home from the hospital in a premie outfit, to look at it now amazes me that you were ever that little. You were a sweet baby. I remember when I was breastfeeding, you would curl your tiny hands up into little fist and just look in my eyes. Those moments were my peace during the day's when you were tiny. When Mom died and my house was full of people I would take you to my room and feed you. It was so nice to have those moments with just me and you in silence. You had beautiful little curls and I would roll them around my fingers to make them stick up. I miss the day's when it was just me and you against the world. Your dad would go hunting alot on the weekends and sometimes I would lay in the bad and play with your for hours in the morning. I cried the day you were born thinking about putting you in daycare when I went back to work. You were perfect and amazing...

One week from today..

One week from today you will turn ten. I have no idea how you grew up so fast. Ten years ago this was a very different spot of life for me. My Mom was in the hospital not doing well, I was so sad and worried, but at the same time I was so happy and excited. I had been on bed rest for over a month at this point because my blood pressure was dangerously high. I couldn't wait to meet you, my first born child who I felt move and grow inside of me. I loved you before you were born. Life now is much different but I still love you more every day.