I seen you tonight..

You were supposed to stay with me tonight but once again you didn't. I made you a chocolate cake for your birthday but we are eating it without you. I also cooked you shrimp because I knew you loved it. Someday's I hurt so bad when things like this happen but I love you and I want you to be happy.

Happy Birthday..

Happy Birthday my wonderful baby boy. My mind is so flooded with memories of ten years ago today and all of  the years since. I miss you and there will never be a day that it doesn't crush me that you no longer see me. I hope that you have a wonderful day.

In two more day's..

In two more day's you will be ten my sweet boy. Ten years old and you are already as big as me. You were so little when you were born, six pounds and fifteen ounces. I brought you home from the hospital in a premie outfit, to look at it now amazes me that you were ever that little. You were a sweet baby. I remember when I was breastfeeding, you would curl your tiny hands up into little fist and just look in my eyes. Those moments were my peace during the day's when you were tiny. When Mom died and my house was full of people I would take you to my room and feed you. It was so nice to have those moments with just me and you in silence. You had beautiful little curls and I would roll them around my fingers to make them stick up. I miss the day's when it was just me and you against the world. Your dad would go hunting alot on the weekends and sometimes I would lay in the bad and play with your for hours in the morning. I cried the day you were born thinking about putting you in daycare when I went back to work. You were perfect and amazing...

One week from today..

One week from today you will turn ten. I have no idea how you grew up so fast. Ten years ago this was a very different spot of life for me. My Mom was in the hospital not doing well, I was so sad and worried, but at the same time I was so happy and excited. I had been on bed rest for over a month at this point because my blood pressure was dangerously high. I couldn't wait to meet you, my first born child who I felt move and grow inside of me. I loved you before you were born. Life now is much different but I still love you more every day.

Here it goes!

To My Dearest Walker,
This is an idea I have had in my head for awhile but just didn't know exactly what to do with it until today. So many times I have worried about what you will think when you are grown. I have no idea what is in your head and what is being put in your head every day. I love you as much as I always have and I always will. I didn't choose this path and I never dreamed that thing's would end up this way. One thing I always want you to know is that I may not have made or will make the right decisions but I have always weighed out every choice and done what I thought would be the best thing for you and your brother and sister. Recently I have started having a fear that something may happen to me and you will never know how much I love you. I also worry that the first eight years of your life are carried in my head and if something was to happen to me you would never know about you early childhood years. It may never matter to you but it has mattered to me. After my Mom died there were so many thing's I wondered about my childhood but will never know because she took those memories with her. I doubt I post on here everyday but I wanted a place to go to when I thought of something I wanted to tell you. The first and most important thing for you to know is I will love you forever, like you for always and as long as I am living my baby you will be.